What should I expect when dating a recently divorced man with three kids? He is nice guy that I met at church. (All his kids are under 12 yrs old.) I have no kids and have never been married. I am a little naive here- help me out. I am 27, he is in his mid-30’s
You can expect to never be the most important thing in his life — that will be his children. But you should try to never be jealous about that, as you should never be in competition with them. You can share the time together, but he will always need to give them 100% on occasions (and you must be ready to accept this).
You can expect him to be saddled by an ex-wife — and possibly some resultant drama and strife — until the youngest child is emancipated.
You can expect him to be finished having a family. That may mean (but not necessarily) no children of your own — only step-children. If this is an issue, you must be sure to carefully discuss your needs soon before your relationship goes much further.
But you can also expect a loving and trusting person who turns to you for the love and calm that you can (hopefully) bring into his life.
And if you are lucky you can also expect to earn the love and friendship of his three children — and possibly be a Best Friend that they do not seek in either of their parents.
Signed: happily remarried divorced father of three.
September 18th, 2009 at 4:54 am
An ex wife who is a jealous B***H…….
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September 18th, 2009 at 5:00 am
You should expect someone who doesn’t have alot of time or money to spend on you. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
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September 18th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Drama…and possibly not many kids of your own (if any)
Also, I wouldn’t expect much romance from him because he’s already been there and done that. You are going to be dating a father…much different from dating a single guy with no baggage.
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September 18th, 2009 at 6:30 am
I would first wonder why there was a divorce. This is important. Then, I can answer your question.
Mary
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September 18th, 2009 at 7:01 am
You can expect to see him very little. You can expect to have plans changed at the last minute due to his three young children. He has not yet learned how to tell the ex-wife "no" and he has not yet learned how to juggle his time efficiently. Good luck with this one because you’re going to need it.
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September 18th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Total chaos part of the time, with you never having experienced kids, or ex wives…..or never having been married yourself…you’re in for a "treat…ment", lol.
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September 18th, 2009 at 8:32 am
It depends on how long they have been divorced, but since he has three children under 12 I’m guessing it hasn’t really been that long. So expect the kids to treat you just like a friend. Expect their mother to hate you (at least for a while). Expect her to get really bitter that her ex-hubby is dating again (cause of course, she can get over him, but he’s not allowed to get over her!). Expect a lot of drama for the first few months or years. Expect to have feelings of inadequacy. Expect to be jealous/insecure of his past relationship. Expect that the kids will be a HUGE part of his life. Expect to not have a whole lot of time without the kids (depending on his visitation). Expect that he won’t have a whole lot of money to spend on you (it’s all going towards the kids/ex).
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married to my hubby, stepson, oh and an ex-wife too!
September 18th, 2009 at 8:55 am
You should be dating a young man your own age without any baggage.
You are in for hell…….is it worth it? Nope.
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:01 am
It’s a package deal…Three kids and an Ex???? If you really care for him you’ll have to get along with his children as well as his ex because she’ll be part of his life forever…..
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:17 am
You can expect being very lonely,his kids are alway’s gonna come first and you have to understand that he’s going through a very emotional time rite now maybey its best for you to find a man with less baggage. Well you should break up with him now before you get into deep,but if you really like him you need lots of patientce.
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September 18th, 2009 at 9:41 am
DRAMA. unless he has a good relationship with his ex wife. If not expect complete drama.(Trust me I know) I don’t know how his custody situation is if he has them full time, part time but expect him to have only every other weekend free. Also the kids may be brats to you because you are the other woman that their dad is dating and its not their mom, I don’t know how his kids react to t hat, but just remember if you like him. It’s worth something to pursue, It doesn’t matter the advice we give but go with your gut. If you want to get involved in that situation then by all means go for it.
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
well it depends if he is a very caring father than i think he might wanta have a family soon, just because he wants the whole family union and the safety of a family. Or he probably would not want anything serious because he has just ended one. He probably would want a girlfriend on the side, just to do what he needs to and that’s it; maybe enjoy his single life and do things he couldnt when he was married. But maybe he would just would want to setttle with no hurry, which is convinient to you because it is a safe relationship. On the other hand you should know that his kids will ALWAYS BE FIRST than anybody else. And u are going to have to maintain yourself and feel the same otherwise its not going to work.
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September 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
What are your expectations for a man? What qualities are you looking for?
You can expect the man to put his kids first. At times they might come before seeing you. His kids might not like you, they might become jealous of you, or feel threatened of you. Ask him why he got divorced. How recent was it? Just take it very slow and as friends, and see where it takes you. If you met at church, I’m guessing you are both Christians? Make sure your relationship is one that you have prayed about and know that God will honor and bless. If He wants it to work, then it will. Give it to Him.
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September 18th, 2009 at 11:26 am
some thing as with someone that is divorced, a lot of drama but come on give the guy a brake at else he’s there for his kids unlike a lot of the fathers that are being talked about here.
one thing you can expect is he can not just jump up and do something at the last minute need a little planning and maybe not having a ton of money.
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September 18th, 2009 at 11:45 am
What to expect? Nothing. No quality time, no spontaneous dinners, nothing. Three kids and an ex-wife? Unless he’s a financial advisor for Merril Lynch, he’s poor! And you can be poor and lonely all by yourself.
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September 18th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
it all really depends on the divorce and the situation. but really if you are willing to work it out then all you can do is try
MILDRED SENT ME
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September 18th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
you need to get out before you get too attached to him. his priority is his kids…it will NEVER be you.
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September 18th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
You can expect to never be the most important thing in his life — that will be his children. But you should try to never be jealous about that, as you should never be in competition with them. You can share the time together, but he will always need to give them 100% on occasions (and you must be ready to accept this).
You can expect him to be saddled by an ex-wife — and possibly some resultant drama and strife — until the youngest child is emancipated.
You can expect him to be finished having a family. That may mean (but not necessarily) no children of your own — only step-children. If this is an issue, you must be sure to carefully discuss your needs soon before your relationship goes much further.
But you can also expect a loving and trusting person who turns to you for the love and calm that you can (hopefully) bring into his life.
And if you are lucky you can also expect to earn the love and friendship of his three children — and possibly be a Best Friend that they do not seek in either of their parents.
Signed: happily remarried divorced father of three.
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September 18th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
ex drama, kid drama, he won’t have much money to spend, if he marries you then you most likely won’t have your own children and if you do then you won’t have much money to spend on your own home and child. and he may be thrown off of marriage–so if you hope to marry one day, he might not be the guy for you–but you won’t know that until you take the time to get to know him.
speaking as a former child of divorce and as a woman who has dated men with children:
1. do not meet the kids until you are sure that you are going to hang around. kids don’t need to get attached to people who are breezing in and out of mom’s or dad’s life. And you want them to know you’re special, so if they always meet the dates, how will they know when there is something different about you?
2. stay out of the ex drama. It is his to handle.
If you discover that he has a psycho ex (and I mean nutzo, smashing your car windows, calling you at 2am to curse you out, filing false police reports on you) RUN. No man, no matter how great a guy is worth the drama of a psycho ex.
3. If you become a permanent part of the family then accept the fact that you are NEVER their mom. your relationship with them will be something like an aunt. you are there to back up dad. you have the luxury to actually befriend the children. you are an adult who has their best interest at heart.
4. If you cannot love his children then like them. If you cannot like them then fake it. If you cannot fake it then leave.
5. Always treat all the children (his and yours&his) the same. Never make the children feel that they are less than. If they don’t live with him then they are visiting and it sucks to visit your own parent and see him happy with a new family and new kids. The kids start to question what is wrong with them that their dad and mom didn’t stay together.
6. allow for dad to spend alone time with the kids without you. By all means engage in family type activities together, but allow for dad/kid time as well.
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September 18th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Drama, confused children, possibly a jealous ex! Personally I would have never dated anyone with kids. That’s just something I would not want to adjust too.
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September 18th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
first and formost you should know that his children come first
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September 18th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I just can’t believe some of the negativity expressed in some of these answers.
You can expect him to be a man of high morals, and good priorities because he’s going to church on his own (this is rare for a man). You can expect to be a GREAT father because he cares enough for his kids to take them to church even though this must be a pain for him to do so alone.
Don’t worry about the ex. Treat her children with kindness and respect and don’t try to be their mother and she won’t hate you (not really anyway). Treat the ex with all the kindness you have even if she doesn’t deserve it and she will respect you. Compliment how well she raised the kids, and apologize for the awkwardness of your presence. It won’t be easy at first, you will have to bite your tongue and give in sometimes, but it will pay off in the long run. Remember that he divorced her for a reason, and he will love you all the more if you can avoid contributing to his problems with the ex. When in doubt pass the ball to the dad and let him deal with it.
Kids: Don’t try to be their friend (they can see through that) and don’t try to be their mother either (they will hate you for that). Just be a good companion for their father and make HIM happy. I’m not saying ignore them either. Ask them about school, friends, activities, tv shows etc and listen to their answers. Tell them how lucky they are to have such a good dad.
You are asking the right questions. Maybe at some point you will ask him the same questions.
Good luck, hope this helps a little.
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September 18th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
How about expect a damn headache!!
Are you that desperate for a man or something that you are willing to deal with a DIVORCED man with THREE DAMN KIDS and don’t forget the ex-wife???
Hope you got the aspirin near by…..
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September 18th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Trouble.
Esp if he has guilt issues over his divorce…
I;d stay away from him now that I know better.
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married to a man with an ex wife and 2 kids
September 18th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
expect some drama… his ex will be in the picture a lot if they are recently divorced and have 3 kids together…
i’d take it slow!
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